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February 09 2017

In News That Shocks Nobody, Tara Palmer-Tomkinson Dies Young At The Age Of 45 After Lifetime Of Cocaine Abuse

Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, famed "It Girl", party animal, and absolute mad coke fiend has died at the age of 45.

Newspapers described the death as tragic, whereas the rest of the population described it as "Meh."

"I'd forgotten she existed to be honest." Said Barry Thomson, a local bricklayer we asked about the subject. "Wasn't she on one of those reality show thingies? I remember the Mrs going on about it 'cos she watched it and said that she'd battled with cocaine and was really brave."

"I suppose it is brave fighting a battle you know you're going to lose, which she obviously has. If she was less brave she'd have stopped battling drink and drugs and lived."