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February 15 2017

Labour Party Expresses Wish To Gain More Floating Voters - By Which They Mean Refugees In Dinghies.

The Labour Party has been hit with a voter crisis recently, losing support to UKIP and the Conservatives for a long time. After it has become glaringly obvious that their traditional voter base (working class people who live in the areas affected the most by immigration) don't want the job market saturated with more people from abroad, they have come up with a radical strategy. Speaking exclusively to The Daily Online, Diane Abbot told us their strategy.

"We are going to focus on "floating voters". Floating in from Syria, Lebanon, North Africa, anywhere really mon. Our activists are ramping up support for staying in the E.U. raasclaaart!"

Tony Blair famously sent out search parties for immigrants, and polls have shown that they don't often vote Conservative or UKIP.

"Poor people seem to have forgotten about Labour. Can't say it's really surprising as we forgot about them long ago. I'm glad we did, as it turns out most of them are horrible, racist, non-labour voters. We need to focus on bringing in more voters of all religions, races and creeds from around the world who are enlightened, sensible Labour voters. As long as they aren't Christian."

When pressed on whether they would be able to bring in enough immigrants to support the Labour party to victory before 2020, Abbot seemed sure this was a sound strategy.

"It'll be totally eyrie ya bloodclot! Wagwan white devil. Watch me hit da kush."

Mrs Abbot then kissed her teeth and informed us the interview was over.