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February 17 2017

UK Government Says Fishermen Won't Get Back Their Waters Because Of Pure Spitefulness

The UK government today addressed the concerns of British fishermen for who coastal sovereignty was a big issue. Many people remember the flotilla led down the Thames to protest this, and we've all seen the documentaries where fishermen are forced to dump fish on the beach due to being over their quota. The ability of the rest of Europe to fish unhindered in what was traditionally British only waters has killed a large part of the fish industry and taken countless jobs from the British people.

Today Theresa May spoke to The Daily Online to address this. "We are going to stitch up those fishermen like a kipper. A Ukipper! That protest on the Thames let far too many people know about the injustices the British fishing industry has had to suffer and gave people yet another "dealbreaker" reason to vote for Brexit. Well fuck those fishermen. We are going to purposefully make sure nothing changes for them. If they think they can go against the wishes of the global elite and actually escape Europe and the useless regulations it has, they are sorely mistaken."

Our reporter asked if this wasn't cutting off your nose to spite your face. Surely now that Brexit is happening, we should make the best of it. More jobs, more industry, these should be things to strive for surely?

"Absolutely not." Said May, while strangling a kitten. "The only industry anyone in government gives a shit about is the financial industry, and Brexit has sorely hurt that. There is even talk of a lot of businesses moving their headquarters. Well the moneyed people we in government answer to are furious, and so by extension are we. Our plan is to put a minefield in the sea if possible, to stop any British fishermen from being able to work whatsoever."

Theresa hurled the kitten aside and continued. "Everyone knows the national dish of Britain is now Chicken Tikka Masala anyway. Nobody eats fish and chips any more. We should probably look into importing some more curry chefs to make up the gap being left by the declining fish sector. Now someone get me a fresh kitten."