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October 20 2020

Conservative Government Unveils Offical "Fuck You" Policy For The North In Response To Covid 19 Related Economic Crisis

Boris Johnson today unveiled an offical policy in reponse to Andy Burnham's request for economic help due to the incoming Tier 3 lockdown for Greater Manchester. His response was unveiled to the nation on the news today where he simply said "Fuck Manchester, and fuck the rest of the North".

"You bleat on about your great culture such as music, but frankly I don't give a shit. The only poor people I give a shit about (and all in the North are poor) are those who live near enough to commute to my house so they can clean the place up or cook me dinner. So basically everyone but Alf and Elsie who I employ can all just fuck off."

"What culture do you give people other than music, which only seems to be depressing drill rap these days anyway...crime, drugs, and the "Mancunian walk" which looks like it was invented by John Cleese? Nobody in London gives a shit. Once the Roomba I have order learns not to smear dog shit everywhere I'm firing the cleaner. I'm sure the rest of you will be replaced by robots soon anyway, no sense in you breeding more. Better to starve and die out now rather than throwing good money after bad."

Rishi Sunak then popped out from behind Boris flicking up double V's and saying "Yeah! Your next job might be in a coffin, you just don't know it yet!"

One twitter commentator made a graph to illustrate the way the government was currently spending.

In response to this, Boris Johnson had a ready answer. "Well, we've been saying your next job could be in Cyber. Maybe you should have retrained to know how to use an Excel sheet (an amazing new technology I hear) and you could have been raking it in with the boys. Of course, as long as you trained at the right school, such as Eton."