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October 20 2020

Nicola Sturgeon Shares Daily Routine In Bid To Connect With Voters

In an attempt to connect more with the section of Scottish voters that currently don't vote for her, Nicola Sturgeon has recently given an interview where she discusses how an average day in her life goes.

"Och mon, | usually wake up with an absolute bastid behind the eyes, after swigging at least 3 bottles of Bucky the night before. After I eat a few pies to get ma heid back on its shoulders, it's time to get ready for the commute tae work. "

"I pick up ma glassin bottle and ma knife, and make sure I've got one a those big maglights in ma handbag, Glasgow is fucking heavy even on the morning commute. I'll need them more for the journey back like, cos everyone is pished and violent by 3 in the afternoon when I clock off later."

"Before I leave, I make sure to wake up the hubby so we can have a good old argument. That's cos I'm a traditionalist, and arguing with Peter as he lies there cursing me in his string vest is about as Scottish a way to start the day as you can get. I make sure tae give him a Glasgow kiss before I leave. It's the little things in relationships that matter."

"When I get to the office, I generally just sit there doing bugger all or watching videos on facebook and youtube while skulling down a shiteload of whiskey, lager and Bucky until I'm absolutely steaming! Then it makes the commute home much easier, I really enjoy getting stuck in with the knife and the bottle into all them weegies who get in ma way. Once I've made sure they don't vote for me, I never kill a voter. By the time I'm home, I'm covered in the blood of the common man. Then it's just a quick shite and a big plate of haggis, and I'm off to sleep it all off and get ready to serve the people again the next day".

Initial polls show this has raised her public perception in Glasgow by almost 48%.