Latest News, Rumours, And Outright Lies.

October 26 2020

Actively Starving Children Now Official Tory Policy

Boris Johnson has come under fire for refusing to fund meals for disadvantaged children during the Coronavirus crisis. After market research indicated that less then 2% of the people who were affected by food poverty were likely to vote Conservative, the party decided this was the only logical course of action.

"It's simple really" said Johnson during a Zoom video press conference. "People may disagree withour policies, but they work. Since the Conservatives took power, over 100,000 disabled and vulnerable people who were simply a drain on society have been removed. All they were ever going to do is claim sickness benefit, and they certainly were not going to vote for the Conservatives. After the success of that pilot, we're rolling out this general 'starve the needy' policy to now include 'starve the poor'. Don't know why we didn't think of it sooner frankly."

"All polling indicates a direct correlation between having less poor people and an area being nore likely to vote for us. So of course, we want there to be less poor people. They should be motivated by these conditions to make something out of themselves, pull themselves up by their own bootstraps and economically contribute. If they can't make a go of it under pain of death, then they are always going to be feckless and deserve nothing other than a slow lingering demise. Best they serve as a warning to others. "

When asked if he was worried about seeing the ramifications of this in everyday society, Johnson seemed unconcerned.

"Well first off, those dreadful oiks won't be anywhere near where I live, and secondly due to this wonderful pandemic we can force them all to stay indoors and die quietly. When life gives you lemons eh."