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November 01 2020

New Covid 19 Lockdown Rules Revealed By the Tory Government - Anything Slightly Fun To Be Banned, While All Things People Hate Doing Still Allowed.

With some confusion over what exactly is allowed during the new lockdown, Boris Johnson has released a statement to clear things up.

"It's quite easy really, " said Johnson. "If it any point you are enjoying an activity, you should stop immediately. So of course you can still go to work or school, as those are soul destroying. You might think that whether things are banned or not is related to whether doing them creates a higher risk of infection. Nothing could be further from the truth. If that was the case, school and work would be completely stopped. No, instead we just need to stop all public events and meeting places,or any activity that could possibly make you happy".

While most of the public with a functioning brain realise that a lockdown is actually needed now, and it would be better to get this over with sooner rather than later, this news has met with some opposition. A member of the public spoke to one of our reporters today saying "It's almost as though they still want the virus to spread, but look like they are doing all they can to combat it."

When this was put to the Prime Minister, he readily agreed. "Exactly right. This pandemic has disproportiately affected the poor, the old, and people from different racial backgrounds. It's done in a few months what would normally have taken years of Tory policy. Covid consistently seems to be killing off people who mostly would never vote for us. We intend to drag this out for another year, minimum. Now excuse me, I must dash. Me and a mere twenty friends are off on a grouse hunt."